The Pressure: Marriage is kind of a big deal. In fact, according to LDS theology, it is one of the most important things you will ever do. Ever. In this life or the next. When you get married in our temples, it's forever. One person. For the rest of your entire existence. Which is always. So you better make the right choice! And you better make it fast, because eventually you'll run out of choices. This pressure sometimes (or often) causes young Mormon people to rush into engagement or marriage, and sometimes it doesn't work out. And then it's really hard. Because...
The Judging: Mormons are great people. We really do try to do the right thing. But we are so judgey. It's ridiculous sometimes. We may not mean to do it. But we do. Tattoos, piercings, divorces, out-of-wedlock pregnancies, older single adults, immodest clothing...any visible sign that the person in question is *gasp!* not perfect. How DARE someone have made a mistake? Oh wait... I honestly do think it's getting better, at least among my age group. We're more open-minded and less spiteful than some older people I've seen (yes, that sounds judgey, but it's true). However, when it comes to dating, we are still swift to judge. She kissed two boys in one week? Slut. She's never kissed anyone? Prude. He's not ready for a serious girlfriend? Baby. He's asking multiple girls on dates? Player. It's kind of sad, the way we think about and treat each other. Obviously we should all try to act appropriately and do what we feel is right, but since when does a first date mean you gave to get married (hint: never.) And unless you or a close friend are getting hurt, or starting down a bad path, guess what? Someone else's behavior is none of your gosh darn business.
The Watching: And yet, how can we not judge when we see every single step of a couple's relationship unfold before our eyes? My apartment complex is one big square, with about two hundred tenants, and if someone is coming or going from a date, you see it. If someone is late getting home, you see it. If someone is holding hands, you see it. If someone is kissing...well sometimes they're discreet and kiss other places. But you know about it quickly. The point is, we all live so close together that word travels fast. Crazy fast. Unless you go out of your way to hide your relationship, people are going to find out. And they will talk. And suddenly, your feelings, fears, insecurities, and hopes are on display for the whole world to see. Sometimes that's okay, because if things are going well and you're absolutely happy and eager to move forward quickly, nothing that anyone thinks or says can affect you. But what if you're less than sure? What if you aren't ready to be serious?
The Choices: What if, for instance, you wanted to go on second date with this one guy, but he saw you coming home from a date with another guy (because you aren't going to shut yourself down after one date. That's the definition of insanity) and he, for some reason, assumed you're taken? Or uninterested? What if you start dating one of these guys more regularly, but another one catches your eye. Oh, you have much more in common with this second one. So you go on a date with him. Now you have to two guys to decide between! Not a problem, you're not serious with either, and they know you're just trying to get to know more people. You can just have fun! But now there's this third guy...he's really cute, and oh, he gave the most beautiful talk on Sunday. How you could say no? People often say, "It's so easy to find somebody at BYU! You better make sure to get married while you're there, but your options seriously dry up when you graduate." I get that. If I moved to say, New York City, there probably won't be very many attractive, single, Mormon men leaning against my buzzer. However, when you're at BYU you get so picky. A guy would be a real catch at home is substandard here. Same for girls. She's beautiful and smart and funny...but her cookies aren't that great. Or she's a talented musician...but her nose is kind of big. He has a fabulous personality and always makes me laugh...but he wore socks with sandals. Man, there is no one to date up here! You see the problem? Because there are so many choices, people are less likely to stick with someone and give them a chance. If they don't fall in love immediately, they assume the relationship is doomed and they move on to the next person. And sure, you can say "Don't get serious! Just have fun!" all you want, but it's more fun to have fun with someone you actually know and want to spend more time with, and not just the next checked box on your list of "eligible bachelors."
What's a poor, single, BYU student to do with all these challenges? Well, you can get over them and go out there and live your life and hope it all works out because, darn it, you can do this. Or you can sit in your apartment eating cheesecake and watching Pride and Prejudice. Because dating is really hard, and Mr. Darcy understands.
Oh, Darcy. I do love you. Most ardently.
Emily <3
