During winter semester, I spend a third of my time feeling sad, another third feeling anxious, and the last third experiencing moments of clarity and self-awareness, which may just be my coping mechanism to deal with the sadness and anxiety.
Yesterday was one of those days where I felt like I experienced self-awareness. Our startling and miraculous spring-in-February was in full force, with temperatures in the fifties and gorgeous sunshine. It chased my winter blues away a bit, and I felt happy. More than happy. I felt like I'd been living in a daze, and when the sunlight burned the fog away I could actually see my life for what it is.
Which is pathetic.
For the past month in a half, since winter semester started, I've been living in a stagnant world of stress and self-hatred. I've had no motivation to do my work, my schoolwork, or maintain my friendships. Most of the time, the idea of being social made me sick. And yet, I couldn't stop going. I mechanically completed my tasks because I knew that if I stopped I could never get started again. As much as I complained about human contact, I needed it, otherwise I would drift away. I therefore spent many days in my pajamas, either insulting anyone who made an effort to talk to me or crying to my roommates.
I haven't been myself. I've been a shadow of myself. It wasn't until I figuratively woke up today that I realized how bad it's been. I've been like this faded ghost drifting around ward activities, only putting in the minimum effort to participate and never talking to anyone. The people around me have changed and progressed, but I've stayed in the same place.
It's scary. I went to ward prayer last night, all prepared to be social, but I couldn't remember how. I didn't have anything to say to anybody, so I kind of drifted from roommate to roommate as they talked to people until I figured it was safe to leave. Outside the comfort of my living room, I don't know how to associate with people anymore.
Small talk? What's that supposed to sound like?
Discussion about similar interests? Haven't we already been over this topic?
Flirting? HA. Completely out of the question. I'm probably more awkward around boys than I was in high school. Although I don't know for sure because I don't talk to them anymore.
I hope the ability to interact comes back eventually, because I don't want to be completely invisible. I don't need a lot of friends, but I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping up with the ones I do have, and it's starting to take it's toll. If I'm not careful, everyone is going to move on and I'll be left sitting here, wondering what's wrong with me.
That being said, I realized something amazing. As I was examining my sad and empty life, I recognized that I am not alone. As horrible and rude and boring and selfish and emotional I've been this semester, there are still people who stand by me, for some reason. There are people who care about me. It blows my mind. Sure, they may have gotten fed up, and I probably have scared quite a few people away, but miracle of miracles, I feel loved.
And that is my real self-awareness moment of the day. I'm loved.
So before I sink back into my hole I wanted to say thank you to everyone who's been there for me the last little bit. Thanks for telling me I'm pretty even when I'm in my pajamas and I haven't worn make-up in days. Thanks for telling me I'm funny even when grumbling sarcastically about something that irritated me or talking in a terrible fake British accent. Thanks for putting up with me when I'm mean and cranky. Thanks for staying up with me the night I had a nervous breakdown. Thanks for telling me I'm important when I felt like I was completely worthless. Thanks for taking me to out to dinner when I really needed a friend to listen. Thanks for watching British movies and Sherlock with me when I didn't feel like leaving the apartment (which was almost always). Thanks for forcing me to go out the other nights when I needed to leave. Thanks for getting hot chocolate with me. Thanks for being my soul sister and always reading my mind. Thanks for being my best friends. Thanks for being nice to me even when I'm acting like a total brat. Thanks for accepting me the way I am, even though writing a blog post about this stuff is pretty weird and I'm hardly the first person to ever feel sad and I'm really just making a big deal out of nothing and I probably just need an attitude adjustment.
I think you all must be angels. Seriously. Heavenly Father put you in my life because he knew I'd really need you.
I love you guys.
