As time passed, and Facebook grew in popularity, that easy-to-use format spelled the end for the "hipness" of the site. As more people from older generations ventured deeper into the Internet, they discovered a magical place where they could closely monitor every detail of their young relatives' lives. Pictures, shared links, relationship updates...all were available in a convenient stream of information. The secrets of the young were at their fingertips. All they had to do was scroll down.
The growing popularity of Facebook in all demographics was worrisome for Millennials. The Internet had once been the refuge of the young and nerdy, but now grandma was sharing Buzzfeed articles on your timeline and expecting a response. With a new feature, she can even "favorite" you and have all of your recent activity appear at the top of her newsfeed every time she logs on. We have entered into a new era of technology.
The Internet generation had two choices: refuse to accept the friend requests of all of our relatives, or bear the humiliation of having your mother chastise you in a comment in humble silence. To avoid messy family dinners, we accepted the friend requests, and we accepted the requests to be labeled as family. As we did this, we began to notice something: not all older relatives are created equal when it comes to the Internet. Some people from older generations are actually good at Facebook. They post funny pictures, they share interesting articles, they only post relevant comments that enhance the conversation on your status updates. Luckily, every single one of my relatives fits into this category. However, there is another group. A group that makes us despair of the state of our society. A group that makes us all want to flee to Google+, as terrifying, confusing, and hipster as it is. A group who we choose to simply ignore rather than risk burning bridges.
They are the Elderly Facebook Users.
An Elderly Facebook User, or EFU, is anyone over the age of 35 who simply cannot grasp Facebook etiquette. There are many unwritten laws that Facebook users follow in order to survive the Facebook experience, and the EFUs break every single one of them. They are the people who make you cringe when you see that you've received a notification from them. The ones who kind of put a damper on your day when they blatantly refuse to get the extremely clever joke you posted.
Why does this matter, you may ask? Who cares who's posting what on Facebook. Well, I care. It makes me sad. I notice these EFUs mainly on the statuses of my friends, when I see the same person posting the same kind of comment on every single update, and I just cringe a little. Facebook is such a wonderful tool to facilitate communication and maintain bonds with people you aren't physically close to, but the EFUs occasionally make it difficult to accomplish these goals. This is why I'm proposing a change in the Facebook algorithm. From now on, Facebook will be able to sense when an EFU-style comment is about to be posted, and they will block it until the user corrects whatever they were about to unleash on the world that is guaranteed to make their Internet-savvy friends squirm.
Examples would include:
-Completely misunderstanding a joke
For instance: You say, "Only Bonnie Tyler understands me. Where HAVE all the good men gone?" and they comment, "Your father and grandfather are very good men! You have wonderful role models!"
-Closely related: Completely misunderstanding sarcasm
For instance: You say, "Well, today sucked. Definitely dropping out of school and joining the circus" and they comment, "The circus doesn't offer many promotional opportunities. You really are better off getting a degree. You can do it!"
-Offering completely unasked for and unneeded advice, esp. when the poster just needed to vent a little (see Youtube video "It's Not About the Nail" for more info)
Real-life example: One time, my roommate posted, "I came home from class and my roommate was still asleep!" Somebody she knew commented, "There is a time to sleep and a time to study. It's not worth missing classes to stay in bed." I was the roommate in question, and I had a night job. I worked until 1 AM. My first class wasn't until 2 PM. My roommate had early morning classes. I was understandably upset that someone I didn't even know was judging me for getting some much-needed and perfectly acceptable rest. And it's not a good idea to make me angry while I'm sleep deprived.
-Ruining the thread of a comment conversation by asking a question that would be better presented in a different venue
For instance: You post something about the new season of Sherlock. Someone comments, and you and your friends start discussing and speculating. Suddenly, Great-aunt Mildred says, "Are you still in the nursing program?" effectively killing the conversation because nobody wants to comment after that.
-Overusing LOL
I see this a lot, and I don't get it. 1. I know you're not really laughing that much. 2. You are neither saying anything funny or trying to diffuse a tense situation 3. Why on earth is it always capitalized?
I have noticed a significant decline in the use of "lol" amongst people my own age over the past couple of years. Luckily, we still have "haha." I don't know how we're going to express amusement when that's taken.
-Telling ridiculously long stories
For instance: You say, "I got a new car today! I named him Sirius. Not even joking" and all of sudden someone is going off about they took an astronomy class one time and some girl wore her boyfriend's sweatshirt every day and then halfway through winter semester they ended up breaking up DURING CLASS and it was messy and he made her give the sweatshirt back and she had to walk home through the snow in short sleeves. And you're just sitting there in tears because every time you think about your new car you're remembering that fight in the Department of Mysterious and you haven't quite come to terms with it, even though it's been ten years. So your best friend's uncle's brother-in-law's story isn't exactly what you feel like reading.
-Constantly sharing things
You've seen these: I am a PROUD AMERICAN. Share this if you're HONORED to live in this country.
Stop child abuse! Get the word out. 99% won't repost. I'm counting on the 1% who will!
LIKE this page to remove Obama from office!
Sign this petition to get porn off the Internet!
(I have some very conservative friends)
It's not that the ideas are bad. It's just that they're pointless and unnecessary and I sometimes block people if they post too many of them. (Did I type that out loud?)
-Guilt trips
For instance: You post something, anything, and the first response is "I'd be able to help you if you'd call me more." Or "I saw your sister yesterday. Why don't you ever visit?" Or "Really would've appreciated a comment for my birthday last week" (even if you went to their party and said happy birthday in person). Or (and this is my personal favorite) "Why don't you ever reply to my comments."
Oh, Great-aunt Mildred. I love you so much. And I sure do appreciate that picture of a puppy you posted on my timeline three times last week.
Facebook is not life. Facebook is simply a platform to share ideas and stay in touch. Luckily, we live in a free country where anybody can say anything on the Internet that they want, for good or ill, so those EFUs have every right to keep on posting. All I ask is that next time I'm having a discussion about Harry Potter, instead of commenting "I don't know what any of this means. LOL!" please, just please, let me geek out. Us Millennials need our time to socialize without actually having to go out and be social.
And before you get all up in arms, remember: you raised us this way.
Emily <3
*My only source of information for the Facebook creation story came from the movie The Social Network, but I'm sure it's 100% accurate.
