Carpe Diem

Eleanor Roosevelt said "Do one thing every day that scares you." Now, there aren't a lot of scary things to do around Provo. My life generally follows a very set pattern. Recently, however, I've decided to try to branch out a little more. On Saturday, for instance, I did something that actually did scare me. A lot. I went to the school's Winter Waltz. By myself.

That's right. I didn't have a date. I didn't even have a group of friends. By the time I left, everyone I knew was already there, so I made the long, lonely walk to the Wilk on my own. Okay it's like a five minute walk. But the whole five minutes I was walking, and the ten minutes I spent in the coat check line, I was thinking "What am I doing here? All of my friends are in relationships. This is a couples dance. I didn't even come with a group of people. I must look like a huge loser..." Finally, I got into the dance, and the first people I saw were a couple of single girls from my ward. Stalling for time before I actually had to venture forth onto the dance floor, I got an Italian soda with them. Soon, however, I knew it was time. I hadn't walked all the way across the street to stand there watching. I went and found my friends in the middle of the dance floor.

There were eight of them there (well, technically, Monica was in the restroom when I showed up, and I don't actually know one of the other girls, but you get the idea), i.e., four couples. As I stood in the circle, feeling all the weight of my crushing ninth-wheelness, I knew that I didn't belong there. It's not like they tried to force me away, or made me feel left out. They aren't like that. The truth is, they are all on a maturity level that I just am not at yet. I love them, and I have a great time when I'm with them, but the "Winter Waltz" was definitely supposed to be a couples thing. I didn't want to bum them out by making them feel like that had to take care of me, so I found some more single people from my ward. That was really fun. I think that I'm in the best ward on campus. I mean, Monday night we rented out the theater in the Wilk and watched Tangled. How much more awesome can you get? (I'll tell you. Sending off flying lanterns in the park. Alas, thanks to an ill-timed snowfall, such a splendiferous event could not occur at the time.) I even slow-danced to a song! At a couples dance! All in all, I had a really good time. I'm so glad I went. It was scary, and I definitely felt the pity as people asked me "Who are you here with?" and I cheerfully responded "Nobody!" but I would have hated myself if I hadn't gone. It was something I had to do, and I don't regret it one bit.

What I learned from that experience is that I can't rely on anyone else to make me happy. I'm single. I'm always single. And that's not going to change any time soon. But that's all right, it really is. I love romance, and I love happy endings, and mine might be somewhere down the road, but right now, my life is about me. It's about what I want to do, who I want to be, what I need to become the person that will one day, hopefully, make a difference in the world. And you know what else? I looked pretty dang good that night, and sometimes looking at yourself in the mirror and being pleasantly surprised is the best feeling in the world.

One final thought: Today, in keeping with my goal to branch out, I decided to do some studying in the school's Museum of Art. I spent a couple of hours there, and of course I looked around a bit. (The Islamic exhibit is lovely. If you have a half hour to spare and you live anywhere near Provo, go.) As I was leaving, I ducked into the museum store. I wasn't planning on buying anything, but then I saw this:

The cover says "My Dysfunctions: A journal for chronicling my immeasurably fascinating dysfunctions, neuroses, emotions, inner children, moments of shame and doubt, projection, self-loathing, misanthropy, and completely normal insanity, because the only difference between me and the rest of the population is that I acknowledge how crazy I am and they're all in mind-numbing denial."
I think some publisher somewhere may be stalking me. That's my perspective on life in a nutshell (Haha, "nut"shell, get it?? Nut like crazy person, hahaha...). Anyway, I love this little book. Sometimes, the only person who understands what my life is like is myself, which is why I kept a journal before, but now this little book understands too. I mean, look at what it says at the bottom of every page:

I already feel like it's my best friend...

So yeah, like the title of this blog post says, I'm going to try more to seize the day, but more importantly, I want to seize my future self. Who am I going to be? It's my choice. And you know what? I don't care what anybody thinks of me. I like myself, dysfunctions and all. I know I can be an awful, sucky person, who probably doesn't deserve the fairy tale happy ending, but guess what? I don't care. This is my life, and if that's what I want, then that's what I'm going to get. It is our choices that determine who we really are, far more than our abilities.

Please tell me you got that quote.

I would apologize for how long this is, but like I said, I don't care what you think :) If you don't want to read it, don't. I'll love you anyway, random would-be reader person.

That's it. I'm going to bed. 

Night y'all. 

Emily <3

M and Em

There's a really important part of my life at BYU that I have not dedicated nearly enough time to. I realized this last night while we were having a very serious discussion, that resulted in my lying facedown on my bed, laughing 'til I cried. My relationship with my roommate Monica is, at times, very frightening, but I really couldn't ask for a better friend.

Monica and I became friends several years ago. I had a very good friend in my ward who was also friends with Monica, and she introduced us. After a little while, Monica and I realized that we were the same person. Our junior year, we decided that if we both got into BYU we would room together, but since we didn't actually get to see each other very often since we were in different wards and went to different schools, we decided to use EFY as a trial period to make sure we could get along.

That was a very fun week.

That was when we were in the throes of our Avatar: The Last Airbender obsession. We actually made a pact to not talk about it in front of anyone else in our group, because we were afraid that if the other kids knew how insane we were, we wouldn't make any friends. We couldn't go a whole week without talking about it though, so as soon as we got home at night we would lie in our beds and quote the show to each other. (If you've never watched Avatar, you have my pity.)

Finally, we made it to BYU. Life together is interesting, to say the least. You see, Monica and I have an amazing ability to read each other's minds. It occasionally scares our friends, but it's quite nice when we're in a group of guys and don't want them to know what our thinking.
The scariest time we ever had a shared thought was a couple of weeks ago, when we were sitting on our friends' couch. There was a lull in the conversation, and at the same time Monica and I both thought, "You know what's weird? How we weren't really friends with you guys last semester." How do I know that we had the same thought? We said it out loud AT THE SAME TIME, perfectly in unison. It was hilarious. And also very creepy.

This ability takes the fun out the Guess What? game. When I got asked out by the guy I liked last semester, I ran up to our bedroom, threw open the door, and yelled "GUESS WHAT????" She knew right away. Last night, she asked me to guess what she's afraid of. I guessed it. In case you wanted to know, it's bees. I learned that from her blog. (She's also afraid of something else, but I think she'd kill me if I put it on here, so I'm not going to.) There was another time one of us said Guess What? and the other person guessed it right away, but I can't remember it right now.

Monica and I connected mainly through our fictional obsessions. Books like Harry Potter and Percy Jackson, TV shows like Avatar (which we were obsessed with), Bones (which she got me obsessed with), Once Upon a Time and How I Met Your Mother (which we became mutually obsessed with this year). Oh Monica, I forgot to tell you, yesterday Mikaela was studying for a test and what she was reading out loud said "the general good" and I saluted!!!! I felt so proud. Anyway, Monica gets waaaaay more obsessed with things than I do, but our passionate love for these and other things gives us a bond stronger than mere friendship. One does not simply lack a connection after you both fall in love with Seeley Booth and Barney Stinson.

Why is it that Monica and I are so in sync? My friend Shannon and I are like this too. We finish each other's sentences. I guess there's just certain people you automatically click with. Shannon and I spoke for the first time in October of our senior year, and were best friends within a week. We're still best friends. Actually, it's more like we're sisters. Same with Monica. I don't have "girl friends" or "gal pals". I have sisters!

Of course, there could be a biological reason behind the creepy telepathy too. You know how women who spend a lot of time together get on the same rhythm for their menstrual cycles (this is very, very true, by the way)? Maybe the same thing happens for mental rhythms. Monica and I have spent so much time together that we are channeling the exact same brain waves. Interesting, no?

I'm now to favor you with just a small glimpse of the conversations between Monica and myself (please, don't judge):
Monica: "Hitler should have started his Aryan race here in Utah."

Monica (trying to figure out a way to invite a friend over): "How am I supposed to get in touch with him without being creepy?"
Emily: "Hey we have a list of RA numbers! You can call his RA!"
Monica: "What part of 'not being creepy' don't you understand?"

Emily: "Just because they're cannibalistic doesn't mean they're not cute."

Monica: "How do normal people go to college and make friends?"
Emily: "They go to parties, get drunk, and sleep with each other."
Monica: "That's not friendship!"
Emily: "It is if they get coffee afterwards."

Monica: "Ugh! My shirt keeps coming unbuttoned!"
*pause*
Emily: "Can that be your slut shirt?"

Emily: "Sometimes, I have to actually make myself stop checking them out."
Monica: "It's times like that when you think to yourself, 'Yep! I'm straight!'"

I realized as I was writing these that these are all borderline inappropriate. Go figure.
So, life in college is super fun, especially because I have a super fun roommate! I love you Monica! Thanks for putting up with me!

Wasn't this a nice blog post?
Peace and blessings,
Emily <3

The Little Things

Yes, yes, my last blog post was depressing, and my family is now concerned for my mental health.

But today, I've really been appreciating the little things.

Like all my family members trying to encourage me and lift my spirits. I love you guys.

You see, today was WARM. It was in the 50's, at least. Do you know how amazing it is to walk outside, expecting an overcast sky and a freezing wind biting at your face, and instead feeling the warm brush of sunlight on your cheeks as you gaze up at the clear sky? I felt so hopeful today. Winter is so gloomy and depressing, which probably explains my miserable attitude recently, the but today was lovely and warm and full of promise. I sat on the balcony of my building to study today. It may be cold tomorrow, but spring will get here eventually!!!!

Another neat thing: My very old, very male Humanities teacher made, not one, but TWO Jane Austen references today! The first was about Northanger Abbey, probably her least famous and least popular book, but I read it, so I got the reference. I wonder if anyone else did. Then, he played a clip from Pride and Prejudice. No, not the Keira Knightley one, and not the Colin Firth one either. It was a version I hadn't seen before! Now, I've seen four versions of Pride and Prejudice, and the one he played just happens to be on Netflix, so by next week I will have seen five. Ooh, I should make it a goal to see every version out there before I die. The question is, does Bridget Jones' Diary count as a real version, or not?

One more: Today, I was in the Wilkinson Center, and I saw a little kid, maybe nine years old, carrying the 6th Harry Potter book. You see, all you doubters and critics, Harry Potter will never die. The next generation is falling in love with them. And you can bet that my children/nieces and nephews will read them. Harry Potter is pretty much the best thing ever.

Well, I found out that the P&P I watched in Humanities is also 5 hours long...it's worth it.
Oh, here's a good quote from Caroline Bingley (in the movie): "I wish I smiled more, but at what? Life is so dull."
Which is why Mr. Darcy picked Elizabeth over her. Ha.

Yep. Today was a good day.
I feel happy of myself.
Emily <3

Just a Thought

As I'm sitting in my bed pondering the meaning of life, the universe, and everything, I came to this conclusion: I don't know what I'm going to do.

That's it. That's the only thing I'm sure of. My lack of knowledge about the aforementioned life, universe, and everything. It's kind of like what Rene Descartes was always going on about. The only way he knew that he existed was because he doubted his existence. The only thing I know about life is that I don't know anything about life.

I know I'm only eighteen, and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but at some point, I'm going to have to start figuring stuff out. At what point are am I going to become "an adult"? At what point am I going to have to know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? I sure as heck don't know now. I did everything I was supposed to: I went to church, graduated seminary, graduated high school, got a scholarship to a pretty freaking awesome college...I just plodded along, following the path laid out for me. The path that will lead to a good future: a great education, a good career, marriage to a wonderful man, a righteous family...and so on and so forth. My question is, when does "the future" start? Did it start when I finished high school? Will it start when I finish college? When I get a job and become independent? When I get married?

Outside the building my Book of Mormon class meets in is a bus stop. Last week, as I was walking to class, I saw a bus loading up and getting ready to pull away. I wanted so badly to get on that bus, and just go somewhere. I know I wouldn't get far on the university transport system, but maybe it could take me to another bus stop, with a bus to Salt Lake, and once I was in Salt Lake I could get on a bus, or a train, or a plane, to...somewhere. Anywhere. I don't know. I just feel restless. And scared.

I mean, what's my life going to be like? My aunt's friend told me that when it comes to finding a career, you just need to do what you love, and the rest will work itself out. That's all well and good, but I don't know what I love. That was the absolute worst part about coming to BYU. Everyone is so amazing and talented. Whenever you meet someone, the first thing they ask (well actually the third thing. The first two things people always ask are "What's your name?" and "Where are you from?" True story) is "What do you do?" Well, guess what. I don't do squat. I don't play any musical instruments. I don't play any sports. I can't sing or cook or sew or draw or decant in Latin or magically heal open wounds with my hair. My parents tried to get me to develop talents. They signed me up for dance and gymnastics and cheerleading and piano lessons and flute lessons, but I was a little punk growing up. I refused all of it. All I wanted to do was read. So here I am, a freshman at BYU, where everyone who attends is ridiculously talented and beautiful and intelligent, and I'm just me. That's all I have to offer. I'm just Emily. Unfortunately, you can't get a job or a husband for just being Emily. If you could, then the hundreds of girls on campus who share my name would be lining up at the altar and sweeping the job market.

I'm sorry that I'm being so morbid when I'm usually so chipper, but I've been thinking a lot about who I am the past couple of days. I've been wondering what I can possibly offer the world. I could get married, and raise children who will go on to do amazing things, but that requires me to find a truly incredible man that I can love forever. And to find selflessness. And maturity. And maternal instincts. Still searching for those... I'm not to going to be naive and ramble on and on about the "there's someone for everyone!" garbage, because not everyone finds somebody. And not everyone needs to find somebody. Jane Austen never did, and look at her legacy. Two hundred years later, and she still touches the hearts of young girls all over the world. I think that if we'd been contemporaries, we would have been really good friends.
So if I don't find a husband any time in the near future (meaning by the time I'm 25) I need a career. Again, what can I do? Something that I love? Honestly, the only thing I really love to do, the only thing that I'm even semi-decent at, is writing. I love to write, as you can obviously tell from my obscenely long blog posts. Unfortunately for me, unless you hit some unbelievable lucky break, a job involving writing doesn't take you anywhere. Thanks to the Internet, anyone with access to a computer can become a "writer." Information about any subject imaginable is available at your fingertips, and it's all free. If I wrote a book, there is no guarantee that anyone would want to publish it, and if it gets published, there's no guarantee that anyone would want to read it. Do you know how many books there are out there? How many aspiring authors with a next-to-useless degree in Creative Writing there are? Not that I'm majoring in Creative Writing. Nope. I'm majoring in Humanities. Which offers WAY more job opportunities. Not. I think the only thing I can do with a humanities degree is teach. Hey, if I try for my Ph.D, that's like eight more years of school before I have to worry about "the future"! I can work as a janitor until I'm thirty, right? That should get me through grad school...

I'm kidding, of course. About the janitor thing. I think I'll move up to waitressing, actually. They get tips. I'm pretty enough to get good tips, right? Anyway, all jokes aside, I'm so lost. I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know how to figure it out, and I don't know when I'm going to figure it out. I don't think I'm going to magically grow up overnight. If I'm in college and I'm still in love with Harry Potter and Disney movies, what could possibly happen to make that change by the time I'm 25? I've always loved animals, so much, and my dad said several times as I was growing up that he thought I'd grow out of it eventually, but I never did. I like animals better than people most of the time. It's the same with all of my other infantile obsessions. I don't think I'm ever going to "grow up," and that's a really scary thought. I'm innocent, and naive, and stupid, and scared, and I don't know how to change.

I'm only writing all this down because...I can't stand to have things bottled up, and I thought that maybe I could be an example for some younger person of how not to be. Don't waste your life. Actually try to make something of yourself. Sure, everything may have worked out for Belle, even though all she ever did was read and fantasize, but enchanted princes are hard to come by in Provo. Not that I'm downplaying her bravery or anything. Belle is awesome. Just take heed from these wise words spoken by a brilliant man I wish with all my heart I could meet:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
The real world is here. It's every minute of every day. It's not some distant point in the future. It's something you have to deal with now, with the choices that you make and the paths you take. It doesn't matter who you are or what you can do, it is your choices that determine your destiny.
Don't forget to live. Don't forget to love.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading my rant.
Emily <3

Mi Vida

I haven't posted for a long time. You know why? Because I can't think of what to write about!

I could write about my Spanish class. I despise my Spanish class. Not because I don't like Spanish, or the work is too hard, or because I hate my classmates/teacher. No, Spanish causes me stress because it's every day. And twice on Thursdays. So I have Spanish six hours a week. Now every time I hear the Spanish language, I get a stomachache. Except when I listen to the song Dimelo. I freaking love that song.

I could write about Valentine's Day. I freaking love Valentine's Day. Not everyone agrees with me, I know. It is kind of cheesy, but I love the idea, and it's just so sweet. I mean, when Julia Roberts flies for 14 hours just to visit her son? And Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner were such a cute couple. What made it work was that all of the stories were connected, so that even though there were so many different love stories and a huge cast, it made sense and was enjoyable.

I could write about my friends' new web show. It's ridiculously funny. There are three episode so far. You should watch them right now. There are some inside jokes, but it's mostly just random hilariousness.

They have a new episode every day. You can continue to watch them here.

I could talk about dating some more, since that's really all I talk about. Valentine's Day is coming up next Tuesday. I sometimes express vocal disapproval of the holiday, but I'm not going to here. I guess it's cute that there's a day set aside just for people to express their love for each other. My friend Rob asked his girlfriend out for a Valentine's date by giving her a rose. How cute is that? When he told us, I very loudly said "AWWWW!!!!!" which caused Bryant to give me a dirty look. So if you don't have a "significant other," how do you spend this day of love? 

Well, since at BYU most dates are just random "who can I go out with tonight?" search-through-the-ward-menu-directory dates, maybe on Valentine's Day you could ask out the person you like (normal weekend dates are usually accompanied by this thought process). Then it's still special, and you don't have to feel like you're celebrating Single's Awareness Day instead 

Or you could just treat it like a normal day. Your choice.

Valentine's Day can be ridiculously awful, or really adorable and nice. It's all about attitude!

I really want to watch that movie again...

What else could I talk about? Oh, my friend Bryant is going to change the world. True story.

I could write about the CRAZY week my friends and I have been having. But I'm not going to.

So I can't think of anything else.

Peace and blessings.

Emily <3

Female Friendzone

Oh, the Friendzone. Every guy's worst nightmare. The moment the girl you're in love with says "I love you...like a brother!" The moment she comes crying to you about her recent heartbreak, looking for sympathy and nothing more. Every girl has those guys they love, but would never ever consider dating. Of course, those happen to be the guys who are overcome by all the attention and the unintentional flirting, and fall head over heels for the girl who can't love them back. One of the worst feelings in the world is when one of your close friends announces their feelings for you, and you just can't reciprocate.

Little do those poor Friendzoned guys realize that we females have the same situation. Despite what this video claims, not all guys are in love with their female friends. There is, in fact, a Female Friendzone. And it's a horrible place to be.

The FF works like this: Imagine standing in front of a beautiful castle. For aesthetic purposes, pretend that it's Beast's castle from Beauty and the Beast, and for added emphasis, imagine the gorgeous library he has locked up inside. You're standing on a narrow paved road that leads up to a tall, iron gate; the only passage through the enormous and thick wall surrounding the castle. Now, you see the castle, and your interest is piqued. It's a very attractive building, and you really want to get a closer look. You start up the path, and everything is wonderful. The surrounding grounds grow lovelier and lovelier with every step you take. Finally, you arrive at the gate, and by this point you are completely smitten with the castle and all the area around it. However, at this point, one of two things happens. Either the gate is locked fast and refuses to open, or it swings open a few inches, but you grow nervous about the drastic change in your life and take a step back, causing it to close tightly again. In either case, the gate suddenly vanishes, the sun disappears, the beautiful rose bushes lining the path shrivel up and die, and far off in the distance a new gate appears, ready to admit some ridiculously beautiful, talented, intelligent, and all-around perfect tramp. (Sorry, but when you're in the FF all other girls are tramps.) You're allowed to stay on the castle grounds, but you've been firmly locked out of the wonderful palace. That dark, decaying, and wistful place is, I'm afraid, the Female Friendzone.

How is this possible?! you may ask. After all, isn't it true that all guys mistake simple friendliness for romantic interest? Guys always want to date their female friends! Ha. There are a few poor girls who are shoved into the FF again and again and again, and they usually fall into one of these categories:
1. The Mom (or Mother Hen): The caretaker of the group, who always makes sure everyone is healthy and happy. The guys love her because she is kind and gives them attention, but they would never even think of liking her.
2. One of the Guys: Probably the most common one. The girl who doesn't get along well with other girls, and shares many, many of the same interests as her guy friends, whether it's video games, cars, sports, or extremely masculine movies. She usually has a disdain for all female things. The guys think she is totally cool, but they are not attracted to her.
3. Third Wheel: The girl who all her guy friends confide in. The one they go to when the have to talk about their feelings. Sometimes she has to give advice, other times she just has to listen. Basically a therapist. She watches all of her friends pair up, giving support and encouragement along the way, realizing too late that she is alone.
4. Kid Sister: Like that annoying sister you can't help but love, she teases and is teased. Like many real life little sisters, she desperately wants to be accepted by the big boys, but unlike real little sisters, they like having her around. She's someone to joke with, and occasionally take care of, with the big brotherly protective instinct. Dating her would be creepy and weird.

Is any category worse than the others? Is there any way a guy could ever think it's okay to like a girl he's Friendzoned? A Kid Sister could say to One of the Guys: "My situation is worse then yours. Gay marriage is legal in some places. Incest is illegal everywhere." A Third Wheel could say to a Mom: "They need you more than they need me. Once they get a girlfriend, they only talk to me when they're complaining about her. They complain to you about a variety of things." In other words, they all suck.

Is there any way to get out? To smash through that thick stone wall? Sure, I guess. Unfortunately, girls usually end up in the FF because they're afraid to be forward. Lack of experience, fear of rejection, uncertainty of feelings--they can all cause that second of hesitation that ruins their chances completely. If they were afraid when the gate was there, how much harder will it be to express their feelings now that they have to muscle their way in?
For example, let's say a girl feels this awesome connection with one of her friends, and she's positive he likes her. Everything is going great, or so it seems. However, because of her shyness or insecurities, she refuses to make a move. Suddenly, the guy reveals his interest in a different, more open and forward girl.
BAM
Friendzoned.

Or, a girl is very close with one of her guy friends. She waits a ridiculous amount of time for him to make the first move, and he never does. As time goes by, he tells her all about the different girls he likes, confiding in her and asking her for advice. She helps out, all the while secretly pining for him. She never tells him how she feels, and he falls madly in love with someone else.
BAM
Friendzoned. For ever.

The FF is an awful place to be. Shy and scared girls get sucked in, and they can never get out. I've been in various Friendzones my whole life. Never once have I liked someone who's like me back. I've liked plenty of guys, and guys have liked me, but the two groups have never coincided. I guess if you're in the same situation and you wanted some advice, this post didn't really help. At all. The only advice I can give is to go for it. Take a risk. Guys are not very smart when it comes to clues and subtleties. They do not pick up hints. Ever. That's probably why the Male Friendzone is more common. Girls can tell when guys like them. If you want to guy to know you like him, you have to get in his face and plainly spell out your feelings. Am I going to do this? Heck no. FF for life, baby. Nearly every guy I've ever known has happened to like/be dating/be married to someone else (just kidding about that last one. So far.) at the moment I begin to be interested in them. And I'm not worth ruining that. It's more important that they're happy with their flirtatious lady love and I get to keep my friends. I'm not saying that I'm in love with all my guy friends. Please. But I do get crushes. And those crushes never turn into anything. I fully realize it's my fault, but I'm a coward. Plain and simple. For now, I'm all right with that. I may not be able to make the guys I like return the sentiment, but I've never been alone. I wouldn't ever trade my friends for a boyfriend at this point, no matter how great he is. Still, talk to me in fifteen years when I'm an old maid. I'll maybe have changed my mind by then.

Is there a point to this post? Like many things in life, I saw an interesting situation and I decided to analyze it. Human interactions are so fascinating, don't you think?
Also, sometimes after midnight I think deep, philosophical thoughts that ought to stay in my head, but the castle metaphor was too good to pass up.
So, Friendzones. They're everywhere. No one can escape. Yet somehow, millions of people are able to man up and break out, which is when we get our true love's and our happily every after's. There's hope yet, girls!

Final note: I'm not trying to say that all girls are in love with their guy friends. The reverse is still way more likely. Many girls are perfectly content just being friends with a large number of guys.

This has all been food for thought.
Emily <3