Just a Thought

As I'm sitting in my bed pondering the meaning of life, the universe, and everything, I came to this conclusion: I don't know what I'm going to do.

That's it. That's the only thing I'm sure of. My lack of knowledge about the aforementioned life, universe, and everything. It's kind of like what Rene Descartes was always going on about. The only way he knew that he existed was because he doubted his existence. The only thing I know about life is that I don't know anything about life.

I know I'm only eighteen, and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but at some point, I'm going to have to start figuring stuff out. At what point are am I going to become "an adult"? At what point am I going to have to know what I'm going to do for the rest of my life? I sure as heck don't know now. I did everything I was supposed to: I went to church, graduated seminary, graduated high school, got a scholarship to a pretty freaking awesome college...I just plodded along, following the path laid out for me. The path that will lead to a good future: a great education, a good career, marriage to a wonderful man, a righteous family...and so on and so forth. My question is, when does "the future" start? Did it start when I finished high school? Will it start when I finish college? When I get a job and become independent? When I get married?

Outside the building my Book of Mormon class meets in is a bus stop. Last week, as I was walking to class, I saw a bus loading up and getting ready to pull away. I wanted so badly to get on that bus, and just go somewhere. I know I wouldn't get far on the university transport system, but maybe it could take me to another bus stop, with a bus to Salt Lake, and once I was in Salt Lake I could get on a bus, or a train, or a plane, to...somewhere. Anywhere. I don't know. I just feel restless. And scared.

I mean, what's my life going to be like? My aunt's friend told me that when it comes to finding a career, you just need to do what you love, and the rest will work itself out. That's all well and good, but I don't know what I love. That was the absolute worst part about coming to BYU. Everyone is so amazing and talented. Whenever you meet someone, the first thing they ask (well actually the third thing. The first two things people always ask are "What's your name?" and "Where are you from?" True story) is "What do you do?" Well, guess what. I don't do squat. I don't play any musical instruments. I don't play any sports. I can't sing or cook or sew or draw or decant in Latin or magically heal open wounds with my hair. My parents tried to get me to develop talents. They signed me up for dance and gymnastics and cheerleading and piano lessons and flute lessons, but I was a little punk growing up. I refused all of it. All I wanted to do was read. So here I am, a freshman at BYU, where everyone who attends is ridiculously talented and beautiful and intelligent, and I'm just me. That's all I have to offer. I'm just Emily. Unfortunately, you can't get a job or a husband for just being Emily. If you could, then the hundreds of girls on campus who share my name would be lining up at the altar and sweeping the job market.

I'm sorry that I'm being so morbid when I'm usually so chipper, but I've been thinking a lot about who I am the past couple of days. I've been wondering what I can possibly offer the world. I could get married, and raise children who will go on to do amazing things, but that requires me to find a truly incredible man that I can love forever. And to find selflessness. And maturity. And maternal instincts. Still searching for those... I'm not to going to be naive and ramble on and on about the "there's someone for everyone!" garbage, because not everyone finds somebody. And not everyone needs to find somebody. Jane Austen never did, and look at her legacy. Two hundred years later, and she still touches the hearts of young girls all over the world. I think that if we'd been contemporaries, we would have been really good friends.
So if I don't find a husband any time in the near future (meaning by the time I'm 25) I need a career. Again, what can I do? Something that I love? Honestly, the only thing I really love to do, the only thing that I'm even semi-decent at, is writing. I love to write, as you can obviously tell from my obscenely long blog posts. Unfortunately for me, unless you hit some unbelievable lucky break, a job involving writing doesn't take you anywhere. Thanks to the Internet, anyone with access to a computer can become a "writer." Information about any subject imaginable is available at your fingertips, and it's all free. If I wrote a book, there is no guarantee that anyone would want to publish it, and if it gets published, there's no guarantee that anyone would want to read it. Do you know how many books there are out there? How many aspiring authors with a next-to-useless degree in Creative Writing there are? Not that I'm majoring in Creative Writing. Nope. I'm majoring in Humanities. Which offers WAY more job opportunities. Not. I think the only thing I can do with a humanities degree is teach. Hey, if I try for my Ph.D, that's like eight more years of school before I have to worry about "the future"! I can work as a janitor until I'm thirty, right? That should get me through grad school...

I'm kidding, of course. About the janitor thing. I think I'll move up to waitressing, actually. They get tips. I'm pretty enough to get good tips, right? Anyway, all jokes aside, I'm so lost. I don't know what to do with my life, I don't know how to figure it out, and I don't know when I'm going to figure it out. I don't think I'm going to magically grow up overnight. If I'm in college and I'm still in love with Harry Potter and Disney movies, what could possibly happen to make that change by the time I'm 25? I've always loved animals, so much, and my dad said several times as I was growing up that he thought I'd grow out of it eventually, but I never did. I like animals better than people most of the time. It's the same with all of my other infantile obsessions. I don't think I'm ever going to "grow up," and that's a really scary thought. I'm innocent, and naive, and stupid, and scared, and I don't know how to change.

I'm only writing all this down because...I can't stand to have things bottled up, and I thought that maybe I could be an example for some younger person of how not to be. Don't waste your life. Actually try to make something of yourself. Sure, everything may have worked out for Belle, even though all she ever did was read and fantasize, but enchanted princes are hard to come by in Provo. Not that I'm downplaying her bravery or anything. Belle is awesome. Just take heed from these wise words spoken by a brilliant man I wish with all my heart I could meet:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
The real world is here. It's every minute of every day. It's not some distant point in the future. It's something you have to deal with now, with the choices that you make and the paths you take. It doesn't matter who you are or what you can do, it is your choices that determine your destiny.
Don't forget to live. Don't forget to love.

I love you guys. Thanks for reading my rant.
Emily <3