Listen up. I am not writing this to elicit pity. I do not want to receive tons of messages telling me how wonderful I am. I'm writing this because there are a lot of people who read my blog and tell me "I feel exactly the same way!!!!!!!!!" I know I can't be the only one who experiences what I'm going to talk about, and if there are others out there, I want them to know that I understand and I care.
As I was wandering around the Internet, I came across this picture:
How true is that??? When I read it, all I could think was "If I don't let others treat me and speak to me badly, why on earth do I think it's okay for me to?" I have a confession: I have awful, awful, awful self-esteem. No matter how many times I look in the mirror and think "Hey, I'm not that bad-looking," no matter how many times my friends tell me how they enjoy having me around, no matter how much I think about the things that I have accomplished, I can't keep the negative thoughts away.
I have lots and lots and lots of negative thoughts. I am being completely honest here, in attempt to give somebody, somewhere, some help. My two biggest fears are that 1) I'll drive my friends away, annoy them so badly that they'll not want to hang out with me and 2) I'll never find someone amazing to love, and I'll have to "settle," like when Charlotte Lucas married Mr. Collins (which would never happen, because--let me paraphrase a quote from one of my favorite books--"I would rather die a dried-up, never-been-kissed old maid" than marry someone I don't really, truly, passionately love. But I digress).
So yeah, I really struggle with this. I'm not depressed, but sometimes it's really hard to have to get out of bed in the morning. For anybody out there who is silently suffering with crippling awful self-esteem, obviously I still have a long way to go before I can become completely comfortable with who I am, but here's how I survive from week to week. It's all about attitude, appreciating the little things in life, and memorizing uplifting quotations.
First of all, church helps a ton. I have a phenomenal ward, and every Sunday I get just enough reassurance and spiritual uplift-ment to get me through another week. Without fail, there is always something in Relief Society, Sunday School, or Sacrament Meeting about how we're children of God, and he loves us. Those little reminders keep me afloat.
On the same note, this talk by President Uchtdorf did wonders for me.
Secondly, I like to take time to do things just for me. Friday, I spent an hour and a half wandering around the Museum of Art by myself. It was glorious. I think the biggest problem with relationships is that sometimes people think that their happiness HAS to be dependent upon another person. If you can't be happy on your own, there is no way to can add to anyone else's happiness. So if you're feeling down about yourself (whether you're single or in a relationship), once in a while stay home, rent a movie, make some popcorn/scoop up some ice cream, and snuggle up in your bed. That's the best medicine.
(If you're a really outgoing and extroverted person who thrives on complex social interactions, maybe going out and partying will make you feel better. I'm not that kind of person, so I wouldn't know.)
Finally, keep a journal. Yes, I know we're supposed to keep a record for posterity and all that, but for me, writing my problems down makes them seem less...problematic. People often get upset if you complain and vent to them all the time, but a notebook never tells you to shut up. Happiness is a blank page and a purple pen.
Well, that's what I've got. I'm going to leave you with a couple of my favorite self-esteem-boosting quotes. These are the things I repeat to myself whenever I'm having a particularly awful day.
(If you couldn't see, the Kingsley quote says "We're all human aren't we? Every human life is worth the same, and worth saving." Powerful stuff. JK Rowling is a genius.)
I hope that if you're having any difficulties with who you are and what's going on in your life, this helps. If you are perfect and have amazing self-esteem, the quotes are still nice.
I love you!
Emily <3
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