Recently, I had a very good talk with a friend who'd been really hurt by a guy a long time ago, but she still couldn't get over him. She hated him, but she couldn't help but hope that one day, maybe, she could win him back.
It got me thinking. Sure, it's fine for me to tell all the Single Ladies (geddit, Fred?) to go out and have fun, but what if you're not a Single Lady? When it comes to dating, there are several different kinds of girls:
The Token Power Couple: A girl who has been dating the same guy for years and years, and their relationship has become one of the laws of the universe, like gravity, or that Harry Potter is the best book series ever.
The Enchantress: The girl who is always "in a relationship," but not with the same guy. As soon as she breaks up with one boyfriend, another one appears. (The phenomenon is accurately portrayed in the HIMYM episode "The Window;" I've also seen it in real life.) I call her the Enchantress because she has this magical power to make all guys love her.
The First-Dater: The girl who always gets tons and tons of dates--first dates. Her dating life is varied, and many guys are interested in her on first acquaintance, but she doesn't usually enter a serious relationship.
The Wanna-be TPC: This girl doesn't date much, but occasionally she gets a serious boyfriend. Despite the fact that she is often single, she is not a Single Lady, which causes pain and stress. She wants to love and be loved, and has difficulty being happy without a guy, even if the guy in question breaks her heart.
FCL: Future Cat Lady. I talked about her earlier. Never dates, and spends all her time whining about it. Won't take charge of her own life, so she sits around moping and waiting for Prince Charming to get a message from a sparrow informing him that the love of his life is waiting for him in her living room, eating leftover Chinese take-out and sobbing her eyes out during The Notebook.
Single Lady: Single by either choice or necessity, she relishes her independence. She loves hanging out with guys, and flirting with them, with no desire to start a relationship. She just wants to have a good time. A type of girl more suited for New York bars than the dating-philic school BYU (I mean, come on. Nobody goes anywhere with just friends. It's sickening) but she tries her best. ("You tried your best, Ron!" There's another one! Who knows where it's from?)
Anyway, what happens if you're a TPC, or a Wanna-be TPC, or an Enchantress, and you just broke up with your boyfriend (and there aren't any crawling out of the woodwork?) What happens if you're a First-Dater, and nobody has asked you out this week? Your life, your identity, is tied to these guys. Now that you're single, you're left sitting there thinking "What the heck am I going to do now?"
Now, I know next to nothing about dating and relationships, but I DO know about being Single. I've had a lot of practice. I also found a great website while I was playing therapist to my broken-hearted friend called getoveryourexboyfriend.com. (See, she made me promise that I wouldn't be overly harsh, since when I talk to girls who aren't happy being single I can be a bit not understanding, so I took to Google to see what It had to say on the subject. I ended up saying a lot of things like "What are your emotional needs?" and "Who are you really angry at?" Being a therapist is fun. You get to tell people what to do.) Anyway, I came to some conclusions about life:
Emily's Step-by-Step Plan for How to Be Single and Happy, Even Though All You Want is a Pair of Strong Arms to Hold You Close and Tell You Everything Will Be Okay.
1. Figure out why you're so upset
Obviously, people are sad when they break up. I believe that it must feel like a part of your soul has been ripped away, and now you're alone. Plato had this theory that, originally, humans had four arms, four legs, and two heads. Because the head god Zeus feared their power, he split them in half. Now, humans spend their whole lives trying to find their "other half," the person who literally completes them. I assume that ending a long and serious relationship feels like you've been split in half, and you've lost part of who you are. However, there may be more things contributing to your pain or anger. Did you feel the break-up was unjustified? Did you want to stay together? Is it really the drop of self-esteem that comes from feeling unwanted that is making you upset? You need to isolate the true cause of your grief. It may be because of him, but it may be you. Maybe you feel like you didn't do all you could to preserve the relationship. Maybe you have abandonment issues, or a fear of being alone. Figuring out the source of the negative feelings is the first step to overcoming them.
2. Get over him.
I know that in the movies, the hero and heroine always have this huge fight and break up, then realize they were perfect for each other and get back together. That is a load of crap. I can't tell you how many times I've seen people get back together with their ex, only to have their heart broken all over again. If it didn't work the first five times, what makes you think it's going to work now? In order to be happy, you have to move on. In order to move on, you need to make the conscious decision to get over him. You probably still have feelings for him. You probably are hoping that you can get back together. Stop. Right now. You feel tied to him because of your past relationship, and he will always be part of your life (remember my "splash of paint on the world canvas" theory? When someone touches your life in such a profound way, you can't erase them or cover them up), but you need to accept that it's over. It shows dignity and inner strength when you forgive what he's done to you, and use your past to create a better future. But GET OVER HIM.
3. Focus on your more important relationships
But how! you whine. How can I get over him?
There are two things you need to do. First, reconnect with your girlfriends. As a perpetual Third Wheel, I can tell you that you sometimes lose touch with your lucky-in-love friends, either because they're so blissfully caught up in the relationship they can't think about anything else, or because they're so sickeningly cute you can't stand to be around them. After a break up, it is so important to reach out to those old friends, because you need them. Don't sit around moping, and please, oh PLEASE, do not try to be your ex's friend. Not that exes can't ever be friends, but it's completely masochistic to try and be in the company of your ex-boyfriend right after a break up, even if you parted on the best of terms. Your friendship will never be the same.
Second, focus on you. I can't stress how important this is. You'll probably feel really crummy after a break-up, like you weren't good enough for him. In order to make those feelings go away, you need to do things that make you feel happy and successful. Build your talents. If you're an artist, go out to a park and just sit and draw. Relish your solitude. People don't take enough time to just sit on their own and reflect on themselves. Take a yoga class, go for long walks, try and find a sense of peace and fulfillment.
4. Relish your independence
It's the 21st century, for Pete's sake! You can do whatever you want! Now that you're single, you don't have to worry about anybody else's needs or desires! Eventually, of course, we're all going to have to make sacrifices for the person we love, but if you're in college, like me, then gosh darn it you're young! You don't have to get married right now! Go out and have fun doing what you want to do!
There's a huge chasm between "loneliness" and "being alone," and the leap from one side to the other is all about attitude. Even if doing what you truly want to means doing it by yourself, don't let the worry about being alone stop you. Remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said (the "do one thing everyday that scares you" thing). Take risks. Life has a way of working itself out. I promise.
I'm not going to pretend that being single all of the time is always a walk in the park. We all say to ourselves, "Someday, I'll be in love." We look at our TPC friends and think, "One day, I'll have that. A man who loves everything about me." We all long for a guy who will fight for us, who sees us and knows that he has to have us. I know Mr. Darcy was a jerk and all in the beginning, but we all secretly hope for a guy who will be so crazy about us that he can't stand it. "I have struggled in vain and can bear it no longer. I love you. Most ardently." No girl wants to be sloppy seconds. We want to be The One. Most importantly, we want to feel that way about someone. We want there to be a guy we just can't live without. Someone who we physically and emotionally need to be with, regardless of whatever challenges come our way. Like Lizzy said, "Only the deepest love will persuade me into matrimony, which is why I'll die an old maid." Well, she found deepest love, and so will many others. So will I, one day. If I don't, I refuse to settle. I care too much about myself to end up with a guy who I don't passionately love, who I can't imagine life without. Am I too romantic? Maybe. But I've seen so many examples of true love in my life that I can't--I won't--give up on the idea. There ARE happy endings in this world.
So there you go. If you're a girl who finds herself single and doesn't know what to do, listen to your heart. The world is one big adventure. Live everyday to the fullest. When I imagine going to Venice, or Rome, or Paris, or London, I can never imagine going with someone else. But I do imagine going. I might go when I'm married, I might go with a group of friends, but I'll be there. That's the important part. There is so much out there, so many adventures to discover, don't waste another second of your time getting hung up on some boy. Crap happens. But we have to keep moving forward. Like this quote by Maryanne Williamson says,
"We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Go. Live your dreams.
Emily <3
PS: Here are the answers to the quiz in the last post--
1. Kid history, number 6.
2. Pride and Prejudice (said by Mr. Bennet when he sees all his daughters listening at the door.)
3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail (said by Prince Herbert)
4. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (George, after he lost an ear. "I'm holey, Fred, geddit?")
5. Sherlock Holmes ("If all the rest of his family is dead, how long do you expect to survive? Food for thought!")
6. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix movie (said by Snape to Umbridge)
7. Breaking Dawn (said by a two-year-old girl when she's choosing the rocks she wants at the beach)
8. My Fair Lady (Eliza Doolittle)
9. The Princess Bride (Inigo Montoya to Vizinni)
10. How I Met Your Mother (Barney, every time he tells a story)
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