I took some Nyquil last night. I love Nyquil dreams. They're so much fun. I had another boyfriend last night. I'm pretty sure my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Silly subconscious, boyfriends are for people who enjoy the company of others!
On that note, my mom says I will never, ever have a relationship until I can learn how to need people. Now, I'm all for guys opening doors for me and picking up things that I drop and driving me around places (I always like a guy more when he's behind the wheel. I don't know why) but I love independence. I love me feeling like I can take care of myself. It really boosts my self-esteem, which is usually quite low (did you know that? I think it's common for girls to have low self-esteem. Which is why we like chocolate more, apparently. It makes us happy).
So here's my conundrum: I can either learn how rely on guys, and let them take care of me, and find love and all that stuff, OR I can keep doing my thing, become Miss Independent and able to fully take care of myself, and go live in my own apartment in New York. I'm so sick of people telling me I can't do things. "You can't ride the bus." "You can't get a moped or car." "You can't visit Europe." "You can't live by yourself." "You can't move to New York." Why can't you just give me a chance? Why can't you let me just enjoy life? Maybe I'll prove you wrong, and come out on top. Maybe something bad will happen. But the way I see it, just getting out of bed is dangerous. If I'm smart and I watch out for myself, and "make good choices," why can't I do all the wonderful I've ever wanted to do?
Sometimes we may feel like the world is small, but it really isn't. I've seen a lot of things in this country, but there are so many other adventures I've never had. I've never seen a Broadway play. I've never been to the Mall of America or across the Golden Gate Bridge. I've never been to Disney World, or Harry Potter World, which is criminal. And there are hundreds of other countries I haven't set foot in. Yes, I have lived lots of places. I've been to lots of museums and zoos and theme parks and plays and monuments, for which I'm very grateful. But I'm not even 20 years old yet. I'm not to spend the next 60 years reminiscing about the good days of my youth. I want to keep having amazing adventures, because there is so much to do in the world. Seize the day, right?
The above may not seem like happiness, but it's related. I have so much hope for the future. I trust myself. I'm very sure that Future Emily will not let me miss out on the wonder that is our Earth. When I think of how many beautiful things there are to see, how many interesting people with stories to tell, I just want to go. Go see it all, before it's gone. Or I'm gone.
I also want to fall in love. One day. Someone who wants me, more than anything. Who is "bewitched by me, body and soul." Who will take me to concerts and plays and movies and theme parks (one of my secret wishes is to go to Six Flags with a boyfriend/husband. I find it oddly romantic) and zoos and museums and musicals. Oh, and he has to be straight (I'm sure the two can co-exist...right?) Who will want to see the world with me. Even go backpacking around Europe with me. But most importantly, I need to love him too. "Only the deepest love can persuade me into matrimony." I don't want to have to be talked into marriage, or weigh the pros and cons, or consider his proposal. I will never be happy unless I'm smitten, because that's the kind of person I am. I really don't have a happy medium. I love things or hate things. If I don't love or hate something, it doesn't really register. It is a splash of paint that has only the faintest, briefest, most forgettable contact with mine.
So yes, I like being single. I love the freedom to do what I want, when I want. I love independence, and I am not nearly ready to give it up. But one day...I want to be kissed. I want to be held. I want the most handsome man in the world to consider me the most beautiful woman in the world. It might not happen. I can accept that. Not everyone finds their Prince Charming. If I don't, I'm not going to let that stop me from experiencing life. Stop telling me what I can't do by myself, because the time may come when I HAVE to do things on my own. I won't have a choice.
My past was bright, my present is bright, and my future outshines the sun.
Don't hold me back, because no one, least of all me, has any idea what I'm capable of. I may surprise you yet.
Some actual good things about today: I had no classes, since Spanish is over, and my roommate's aunt and family took me out for ice cream. Sans the roommate. It was quite fun.
Uno más dia.
Emily <3
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