I have been considering the material of this blog post for several days now. This has to be quite fantastic, as it is the last one of the year. How can I possibly sum up this year? It's been a crazy ride. As Megara (her friends call her Meg. At least they would, if she had any friends) would say, "It's been a real slice." I made some life-long friends, some very bad decisions (although I never went to the Honor Code office! You know that's right), and some yummy meals on my stove. I had good times, bad times, tired times, lazy times, productive times, fun times, boring times, the best of times, the worst of times...
Digressions and random quotes aside, it's been a heck of year. However, BYU did not quite live up to my expectations. I mean, I was in Provo for eight months, and I'm not married yet! Whatever happened to "a ring by spring or your money back?" I feel extremely cheated. JUST KIDDING.
Serious time now. I promise. At least for a bit. I made it, guys. I wasn't sure I was going to, those last couple weeks. It was tough, but I DID IT. I survived. And now I'm back home. I finished my freshman year of college.
WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I am so relieved right now I can't even tell you! However, with the close of the year comes the close of many other things. Including this section of the blog. My focus has obviously been the world of BYU dating, from the eyes of a freshman, and this summer and (hopefully) next year, I won't have to worry about any of that. I love this blog too much to let go of it entirely, but I think I need to take a little hiatus. I want to return to my writing with a new lease on life; to write from the perspective of a slightly-more-mature college sophomore. I hope you understand. If I have something to talk about this summer, I will. You all know how much I love to talk, especially about myself.
For right now, for my absolute final blog post of freshman year, I am going to reflect a bit on what I learned this year, and give my definitive, unquestionable, and completely correct opinion on everything important, starting with (big surprise)...
RELATIONSHIPS!!!!
-Freshman, BYU relationships, to be more precise. Quick show of hands--who got into a relationship this year with somebody at school? All right, that's the majority of my ward. And how many lasted until the end of the year? Watch those hands fall! Sure, a few people actually developed a close, healthy relationship, but it was quite amusing to watch so many couples come and go. I, too, fell prey to the freshman dating frenzy, and participated in a 6-day Misadventure that was, undoubtedly, a bad idea.
Here's what happened: I met a guy in January. We got along really well, and I started to think he might like me, and I started to think I might like him, but I didn't want to ruin our friendship or rush into anything. Too bad I found out that he liked another girl too, and got super jealous. I'm a little bit competitive, and I just had to win him over. Well, I did, and I soon realized to my horror that I should've stuck to my original plan, because the jealousy had basically wiped away all of my former feelings of affection. However, I did the right thing and ended it as soon as possible, instead of drawing out the relationship just because I didn't want to be alone. I know, I was kind of an idiot during February. Thankfully, I believe I've recovered from that brief bout of insanity.
When I came to BYU, I expected to go on lots of dates. I mean, that's what you do at BYU, right? That's kind of what it's famous for. That and early marriage. Unfortunately, I underestimated my anti-dating power. I'm just not one of those girls who goes on lots of fun dates! Nor am I one of those girls who has boyfriends. I am, and always will be, a Single Lady. Does that mean I will always be alone? No, it does not. I realize that my attitude toward dating does not endear me to the opposite sex, nor does the assertions I've made in this blog. I think that next year I won't try to push this blog, because I do want to start dating somebody, someday. On the other hand, only a super brave and determined young would attempt to go after me after reading my hostile blog posts, and that's the kind of guy I might be able to form a lasting relationship with.
It's like the attitude of Ryan Gosling in the Notebook, which I watched for the first time a couple of weeks ago. He told Rachel McAdams, "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day." That's what I want. I think that's what every girl wants. We just want to be wanted. Nobody wants to be sloppy seconds, or an afterthought. And I promise you, when I find the guy who wants me that badly, I will do my best to fight to keep him.
(On a related note, my girl cat is currently grooming my boy cat. This is a service I cannot offer to any prospective beaux. I apologize.)
My advice? Very, very few BYU freshman relationships last for any significant amount of time. When the Exposure Effect takes over, sanity and reason go out the window. This semester, a friend who had a short-lived girlfriend apologized to me for his criticism after I randomly stopped liking my crush from first semester. He, too, completely stopped liking this girl, and realized that maybe I wasn't crazy after all. It's just what happens when you become romantically involved with someone you spend all your time with.
BYU Freshman dating can be very rewarding, or a huge pain in the butt. Proceed with caution.
Secondly, let's talk about another favorite subject,
ME AND MY EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS!!!!!!!!
-Kidding, kidding. I have had some ups and downs this year, but when it comes down to it, I was just suffering from stress, doubt, low self-esteem, and fear of the future. I struggled a lot, and had a little breakdown during March, but I think I've come out of it stronger. I'm happy now, and I've learned some things about myself:
1) I say "I can't" way too much. "I can't" have a boyfriend because I scare boys away. "I can't" be in the ward talent show because I have nothing to perform. "I can't" make friends because I automatically assume people find me annoying and abrasive and so I push them away. I'm my own biggest critic, and that needs to change. If I'm going to make it in this world, I need to stop holding myself back. I have to start saying "I will." "I will" make friends. "I will" be a nice, positive person. "I will" make it to New York City, and San Francisco, and London and Paris and Rome and Venice and New Zealand. "I will" have a happy life, whether married, single, or whatever, because that's my choice. I struggle to keep sight of that some times, but I am going to stop dragging myself down.
2) That leads me to the second: I have had no trials in my life. I found this book called How to Be Lovely: The Audrey Hepburn Way of Life. Audrey was an amazing woman, and she lived through the Nazi occupation of Holland. The strength she developed in order to survive her circumstances allowed her to stand strong for the rest of her life and make something of herself. She was one of the most beloved people in history, but good fortune didn't fall into her lap. Her father abandoned the family, the war left them penniless, many of her friends died, but she worked so hard to make a life for herself, and it paid off. I've never gone through anything difficult. I've led a pretty charmed life. This year, I worried that I'm not being tested, or growing or progressing, and that I was going to stay a little caterpillar forever, instead of blooming into a butterfly. However, I quickly realized that my biggest trial, the test that will make me so much stronger, is daily life. My challenge is overcoming my laziness and apathy to grow into the kind of person I'm capable of becoming. Again, my own attitude is the thing holding me back from reaching my full potential.
3) I do stand out. I was so scared that I would be completely invisible when I came to BYU; that everyone else would be nothing more than a better version of myself. Thankfully, that was not entirely the case. I may be a tiny fish in a vast ocean, but I'm still special, at least in a couple of ways:
-I have really, really long eyelashes. I hope I don't sound conceited, but I am so, so grateful for them
-I accept my status as a Single Lady, instead of praying for a date on Friday. I don't like dates (oops, sorry. I promise I won't say that anymore after this post. I really am trying to be better. But I'm still not going to delete that one because it's true. Sorry.)
-My passions (cough *obsessions* cough). Okay, this really isn't a good thing to be known for, but I'm proud of how much I love Harry Potter. I am proud of how much I love cats. I am proud of how much I love Disney, and I'm especially proud of my rockin' Disney Princess blog post. Go read that right now, if you haven't already. I'm not ashamed of the things I love, and I don't care if people think I'm crazy. So there.
I often feel invisible, and like I don't really add anything to the world, but I know that's not true. I'm pretty sure I am important, even if I never do anything super important. I may never be as successful and beautiful and wonderful as Audrey Hepburn, but I'm trying every day to follow her example of grace and class, and hopefully I can make the world a tiny bit better.
And this is just going on and on, isn't it? Oh, what else is new. I write long posts! Which brings me to my next topic...
MY FABULOUS PRINCESS BLOG!!!!!
-Oh, darling blogspot.com, I cannot praise you enough. The outlet for my frustration and creativity, my own little corner of the Internet where I could rant my heart out. When I started writing this blog, everyone was dismissive: "You're starting a blog? Seriously? That's so 2004." Still, I went with it. And what a good idea that was! A guy in my ward read my "Mating Season" post, and came to talk to me about it. Slowly, my roommate and I grew very close to him, and then his roommates, until we were all very good friends (and occasionally dated. But that's all over with). I'm not trying to be ridiculously vain, but this little blog had a huge impact on my freshman year, and I do think it had a part in the development of some of my friendships. After all, I poured my heart and soul and personality into this blog, so you readers have a pretty good idea of who I am. I'm not very good at keeping secrets about myself, or holding back what I'm thinking. Obviously.
Anyway, I think this blog kept me going second semester. Seriously. Suddenly, I had followers. There were people who cared about what I had to say, who enjoyed reading what I wrote. I can't say enough how good that felt. You, the people reading this right now, the people who told me "I love reading your blog! Don't stop posting!" that's how I got through this last semester. It gave me a purpose, made me feel like I was having an impact on the world. My blog made people happy! And that made me happy. Which helped me make it through the year.
So, thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks for encouraging me. Thanks for making me feel like I could add something to the world. That I mattered.
-My family, especially my Aunt Bonnie and my grandma, who brag to all their friends about me, and told me that I was talented. Oh, and aunt Beth, who (along with Bonnie) told me I could do New York. That's the goal, guys. Oh, and mom. You like my blog, right mom?
-My coworkers, who are some of the most amazing people I met at school. I really will miss you guys. Good luck with everything. Thanks for reading, and I didn't really mind all the short jokes. Also, I didn't actually cry Thursday night, or any time during the weekend, actually. It was a little disappointing. My tear ducts chose the saddest weekend of the year to fail me. Lame.
-All my other friends at school who read this. And actually, I feel like I should just give a big blanket "I love you" to all my friends, readers or not, particularly my roommates. Monica, Mikaela, Brooke, Lindsay, Sierra: thank you for a fun year. Monica, Mikaela, Brooke--let's have a party next year too, all right?
-Friends from home who read this. I'm so excited to see you again. Y'all rock. I'm so looking forward to this summer!!!!!
-And thanks to anyone else who reads this, including you Russians and Lithuanians. I hope you like what I had to say.
If not, whatever. I like saying it!
What a year. It was good, but now it's over. Let the summer begin. Both of my cats are on my bed, the air is heavy and damp (instead of nasty, dry Utah air), and I'm ready to have a great summer.
I want to leave you with some big impressive quote or something to wrap up this year, but it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm exhausted.
Oh, wait a second, I have something. Here's that speech Aragorn gave to the men of Gondor before they fought the battle at the Gates of Mordor in Return of the King. That's always a good one:
"The day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends, and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day. An hour of woes, and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear, on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"
Stand, readers of this blog! We have our own battles to fight, against an enemy just as awful, so let's not forget who we are, where we came from, and where we're going. I feel like I should say some more inspirational stuff, but I'm really tired.
I love you.
I'll see you all again, one day.
I hope you've enjoyed reading this blog as much as I've enjoyed writing it.
Summer break, here I come.
Emily <3
No comments:
Post a Comment